Shadow's Mean Trick
by Alexis Raphael
Summary: Amy is pestering Sonic incessantly to date her, leading the latter to flee to the only nearby "safe" haven he can think of: Shadow's apartment. But even if the other hedgehog doesn't shoot him on sight, will he really get away from Amy?
1. Chapter 1

It started out as a nice, ordinary day for a certain black and red hedgehog. He was just sitting down to breakfast-eggs, toast, sausage, and a cup of strong coffee-when he heard a crash and something slammed into his back. Springing up, he readied a Chaos Spear and glared at the culprit. To his mild surprise, he found Sonic in a heap at his feet, staring up at him. Shadow frowned and lowered his defenses. He looked up to discover his door turned into matchsticks and Amy standing in the doorway with her hammer. She looked ticked to the extremities. Sonic scrambled to his feet and hid behind the highly displeased Shadow.

"Get out of my apartment." The black hedgehog ordered and with an angry huff and something about what a little double-crosser Sonic was, Amy departed. Sonic, on the other hand, had taken advantage of Shadow's distraction, downing the other's breakfast, all but the coffee.

"Never call me 'Shad' again, Sonic, and get out _now._" Growled Shadow, glaring at him.

"What?" Sonic sat up and looked at Shadow, "You can't turn me away like that! It would be _murder_ to send me out there, into streets frequented by _her_!"

"Since when did I care?" snapped Shadow.

"But what harm have I ever done you?!"

"Where shall I start? Not counting everything that's happened in the past, you just destroyed the door of _my_ apartment, _eaten _mybreakfast, invited yourself to sit on _my_ couch, and it was _your_ girlfriend who I just had to chase away from here. Not to mention all the time that you've made me waste on this mess."

"But _she_ threw me through the door!" Sonic protested, "I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for _her_! Just let me stay here for the night, and then I'll leave you alone for a whole month!"

"Yeah, that's gonna happen." muttered Shadow sarcastically. "Why was Amy chasing you, anyhow?"

"Uh, she wanted me to go to the dance with her last night, but she wouldn't take 'no' for an answer, that is, she _forced_ me to say I'd take her, but when I didn't show up, she got all mad and this morning she wanted to give me a piece of her mind in the form of that hammer-it wasn't my fault at all!"

"So she asked you out on a date and you didn't show so she's getting back at you. Interesting." Said Shadow with a hint of amusement in his voice. "If I let you stay here, do you _promise_ not to see me for a month?"

"Yes! Of course! Anything! Will you?" Sonic exclaimed excitedly.

"No."

"What?!"

"You have to a) not let me see you for a month and b) fix my door just the way it was. I'm still not forgiving you for eating my breakfast, but I don't want it back now."

"You sure?"

"Positive."

"Hey, thanks Shads. I knew you'd come through for me!" Sonic grinned.

"And one more thing, you annoying pest, **stop calling me Shads!"**

**-Several hours later-**

"So why didn't you go on that date with Amy like you said you would?"

"I didn't want to! She bullied me into saying I'd go!"

"Why didn't you want to?"

"What d' you mean? I don't want to date her! Would you?"

"But the girl obviously has feelings for you."

"What? Making me do things against my will and throwing me through doors? That means she likes me? It doesn't hang together."

"But it does."

"..."

"It looks like you need some help on this matter, Sonic." Said Shadow and Sonic looked at him suspiciously. The black hedgehog didn't usually help people like this.

"Okaaay...how do I get Amy to stop pestering me?"

"That's not what you need to do."

"Huh?"

"You need to get her to like you."

"**Like me?! Are you crazy?!"**

"No I'm not. I never turn down someone who so obviously needs my help, and you fit the bill perfectly." The other hedgehog smirked in a friendly manner, a complete turnaround from his manner of earlier and Sonic wondered just what he had let himself in for this time.


	2. Chapter 2

Note: Sorry about the last chapter; after I posted, I noticed that one of the sentences had mysteriously disappeared. Right after Sonic downed Shadow's breakfast, he was _supposed_ to have said: "Thanks Shad! I knew you'd come through for me!" Then that made Shadow's line make more sense. Anyhow, here's chapter 2!

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**Chapter II**

"Hurry up, Sonic; the coney dogs will be cold by now." Shadow stopped to wait for the other hedgehog as he trudged through the snow. At least twenty DVDs were piled into his arms, and he was having trouble keeping his footing on the ice.

"I'm going as fast as I can! Maybe if you helped me with some of these we'd both be able to go faster."

The black hedgehog growled with impatience as he walked back to where Sonic stood. He grabbed the receipt off the top of Sonic's stack and said, "Now get a move on. We don't have all day."

When they got back to Shadow's apartment, the coney dogs were indeed cold and Sonic didn't wait to set all the DVDs they'd gotten at the library down safely. He dropped them in the middle of Shadow's living room floor and made a beeline for the food. Shadow reserved six dogs and left the rest to their fate at the hands of the ravenous blue hedgehog.

"So, Shadow," Sonic mumbled around a mouthful of coney dog, "why did you rent all these princess movies? Aren't you a little old for fairy tales? I mean, you are over fifty."

Shadow gave Sonic a glare. For an immortal hedgehog, he sure acted like anyone else when it came to the 'getting on in years' age.

"It isn't for me, you dimwit," he said, "_You _are going to observe the heroes of the movies and take some helpful pointers from them."

"Remind me again _why_ I need to be nice to Amy, Shadow."

"As I said before, it's the only way to get her to leave you alone."

"I still don't think that hangs together very well, but I'm getting desperate."

'As evidenced by your coming here,' thought Shadow. Aloud, he said, "The first rule, Sonic, is to not talk with your mouth full. Now put in 'the Princess Bride' and start making note of what the hero, [], does to win the heroine, []."

So it happened that the Ultimate Life form and the fastest hedgehog in the world wiled the evening away watching princess movies and eating coney dogs.

As they were cleaning up, Shadow asked Sonic what he had learned.

"Well, I think it's a bad idea if you go off pirating for five years and never write to your girl unless you can come back at precisely the right time to save her from marrying the bad guy. If a cute mystery chick loses a shoe, pick it up and find someone who fits into it, then marry her. If you get turned into a hideous beast, don't give up because there could be a hot babe for you. If you want to get a princess, you must be a good dancer and be willing to rescue them from evil duchesses. Or you have to rescue her from the evil witch that's been keeping her prisoner for her whole life-as well as putting up with her annoying dragon and gluttonous rabbit-And if there's a chick that turns into a swan then you help her save the enchanted forest. Did I get it?"

"Sort of." Shadow frowned and looked serious. "You need to learn what to do and what not to do around Amy."

"..."

"You must compliment her; tell her that she's wearing a nice dress, or that she's pretty, or that her hair is done up becomingly. You know."

"Um-she-um-doesn't-exactly-have-hair-um-I don't think-but-I-er-that is-I never really looked at her to see..." Stammered Sonic, puzzled.

"That is your problem. You don't look at her. Have you learned nothing from the movies? Sing to her, that usually works quite well."

"Sing?"

"Sing."

"Sing what?"

"Love songs."

"..."

"YouTube some of them. 'The Rhythm of Love', 'Sugar Sugar', 'An Old Fashioned Love Song', 'Most Anything That You Want', 'Today is a Good Day to Die', to name a few."

"Today is a Good day to Die?"

"Oops. You can't sing that one. It's instrumental."

"I just don't think I can sing, Shadow."

"You don't have to. Just play the song and lip sing it. It doesn't have to be perfect."

By now, Sonic had forgotten to beware of Shadow and trusted him completely in the matter-though how the other hedgehog knew so much about the subject was beyond him. He drank in the advice eagerly.

"Do you feel prepared to call Amy, apologize, and propose a date for tomorrow night?"

"No."

"Do it anyway."

So, nervously, Sonic called Amy and apologized, after which he asked her if she wanted to go to a restaurant the next evening with him. Shadow, from where he stood on the other side of the room could hear her enthusiastic reply. He smirked to himself in the shadows and knew the stage was set. All he had to do now was give the ball a little nudge to get rolling and there would be one blue hedgehog he would never have to worry about again. He liked the thought.

The next day was spent with Shadow giving Sonic some last-minute pointers and when evening rolled around, Shadow walked Sonic to the restaurant. They arrived a few minutes ahead of the appointed time.

"Now Sonic," Shadow said earnestly, "as you seat Amy, you must say this: Amy, You're as kind as a dacoit, as beautiful as Eitri, and as good for me as datura!"

"Ok." Sonic replied nervously.

Amy arrived just then and Shadow faded back into the shadows, smirking. He watched the couple through a window. As Sonic pulled the seat back for Amy to sit down, Shadow heard the blue hedgehog say what he had told him to. Amy's reaction was priceless. She stopped, halfway sat down, in the most embarrassing position as her face twisted and contorted and gained color. Shadow didn't hear what she said, but when she brought out her hammer, he understood enough. Sonic stood looking at her with his mouth hanging open and a look of the utmost amazement on his face, not moving at all. That is, until Amy slammed him with the hammer a couple of times. Then he ran for his life. Shadow doubled up with laughter as the pair ran down the street, but jumped a moment later when someone tapped him on the shoulder. It was Rouge the bat and she had seen the whole thing.

"What exactly did you tell the poor kid? Amy looks really ticked." She said.

"I told him to tell her that she was as kind as a dacoit, as beautiful as Eitri, and as good for him as datura."

"And all of that means-?"

"A dacoit is pretty much a bandit, Eitri was a dwarf form Norse mythology-dwarfs were reputed to be very ugly-and datura is a poisonous plant."

"Wow. What did the kid _do_ to you?"

"He asked to stay at my apartment when he should have known better."

Rouge smirked as she heard Sonic's cries fade away. Someday he would learn not to go to Shadow for protection from Amy, and the sooner he learned the better-if, that is, he wanted to keep himself in one piece.

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Reviews, please! :D


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